This page contains a collection of frequently asked questions I have received over the years regarding my adoption experience and writing process. You’ll find more info about both topics on the Interviews page.
Is Umbilicus based on your personal story? Yes, it’s an autobiographical novel. All people and events described in this book are real. As a work of fiction, however, I have changed the names of all the characters, except those of public personalities such as radio and club DJs. I have also taken creative liberty in the reconstruction of dialogue, employed a minor compression of time for literary effect, and made small clerical changes to letters and journal excerpts.
Were you adopted from birth? Yes. It was a closed (private) adoption, as was the norm in those days (1974). My adoptive parents were given no identifying details about my birth parents, and vice-versa. I was only allowed to access my file containing my birth parents’ names at the adoption agency when I reached age of majority (18 with my adoptive parents’ written permission, 21 without their permission). My birth parents were never allowed to initiate contact.
When did you find out you were adopted? My adoptive parents introduced me to the concept from a very young age, so it was something I always knew.
Did you always want to find your ‘real’ mother? When we were 14, my best friend’s mom committed suicide, and from that moment on it became a secret obsession to meet my own biological mother, before she, or I, died.
When did you meet your ‘real’ mother for the first time? I met my birth mother when I turned 21. And my birth father when I was 23.
Who do you look like? Most people say I am the spitting image of my birth mother, but I also see a resemblance to my birth father. Talent and temperament wise, I am a blend of both.
Do you have any biological siblings? Yes. I have two half-brothers (one paternal, one maternal), and a paternal half-sister. I only found out about and met them when I was an adult.
Have your adoptive parents met your biological parents? Yes. They met my birth mother in 2010, and my birth father in 2011, when I was in my mid-30s, and at my request.
Has your adoptive brother met his biological parents? Yes, he met his birth mother in early 2016, in his late 30s. He sadly discovered that his birth father had already passed away.
Do you call your biological parents ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’? No. My adoptive parents, the mother and father who raised me, will always be my mom and dad. I call my birth parents (and my parents-in-law) by their first names.
Did people know you were adopted? Our extended family, family friends, and my close friends knew. But in terms of my classmates and all the other kids at school, no-one knew. I was terrified of being stigmatised and ostracised, and just wanted to blend into the crowd. So I played my cards close to my chest until I was in my mid-to-late teens, when I had grown a thick enough skin to deal with these kind of adoption ‘jokes’ and ignorant comments you see bandied about in everyday conversation…
Is there anything that triggers you as an adoptee? Apart from the insensitive adoption ‘jokes’ and ignorant comments highlighted above, the phrase ‘Adopt, Don’t Shop’ when referring to the plight of rescue animals and their need for loving homes makes me uncomfortable. By virtue of the fact that we all know these poor creatures have found themselves in a shelter because they are either abandoned, abused, neglected, or unwanted, it somehow – albeit unintentionally – tars ‘adoptable’ children with the same brush.
The term that really irks me, however, is ‘Gotcha Day’ – used in adoption circles to celebrate the date an adoptee joins their new family. The patronising use of the word ‘gotcha’ in the context of adoption is insulting to both an adoptee and their biological family. It evokes a sense of acquisition, capture, colonisation, conquest, possession, triumph, and victory by the adoptive family. Which, in turn, suggests a sense of defeat, forfeit, loss, and surrender for the ‘opposing’ party – the biological family. All of this merely serves to amplify the fact that one family’s loss is another family’s gain. And I fail to see how this is cause for any kind of celebration.
While we’re on the subject of celebrations, as an adoptee, my birthday has always been an emotionally taxing time of year. Whenever August (my birth month) rolls around, I develop a knot in my stomach which persists for the next two-and-a-half weeks. On my actual birthday (18th), the anxiety is replaced by a sense of emptiness. I feel hollow, removed from reality. Although physically present in the festivities arranged by well-meaning loved ones, psychologically I am a million miles away. I guess this kind of disconnect is a coping mechanism, to avoid feeling completely overwhelmed by the range and intensity of emotions I experience on this day. Grief, gratitude, mourning, celebration, abandonment, belonging, loss, love – it really is a LOT to deal with. And all whilst pretending to the outside world that I’m happy and absolutely fine. It’s a huge relief once the day is finally over, even when the anxiety of the past few weeks is replaced by a sense of deep sadness. Fortunately my post-birthday blues only last a day or two, and then I can pack away the memories of yet another trip around the sun, put on my big girl knickers, and get on with life. I know many of my fellow adoptees also struggle with this complex barrage of emotions on or around their own birthdays. It’s perfectly normal, and we need to know we’re not alone.
Why did you write this book? Anyone can tell a story, but not everyone can write a book. It is an honour to have been blessed with a talent for storytelling through writing, and I believe it is my duty, my calling, to be a voice for the voiceless. To paint an accurate portrait of the challenges faced by many adopted kids the world over, particularly during the teen years, as we all strive to acquire a sense of self and forge our own identity. To fast-forward a few years beyond the adoption agency’s picture-postcard image of a happy mom cuddling a chubby baby, and relay with authenticity and objectivity the raw dynamics between parents and teenagers in a not atypical adoption triad.
Although my story deals with what is officially termed a closed, national, same-race adoption, and I do not claim to speak on behalf of all individuals adopted under this system, I do know that many of our unique challenges growing up as adoptees are universal, as evidenced by American author Sherrie Eldridge’s bestselling book Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew.
Without being preachy or patronising, I strive to provoke self-questioning and emotional healing in my reader; to elucidate, empower, and inspire. Having personally run the gauntlet over the past four decades, I hope to pass on what I have learnt to adoptees, parents, and professionals working in the field, so that we don’t repeat the mistakes of the past. As Frederick Douglass so wisely wrote: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”
Who is your target audience for this book? Umbilicus will appeal to readers of ALL ages who enjoy Young Adult (YA) realistic fiction, particularly those involved or interested in the adoption experience. Wikipedia gives a pretty good description of what YA literature encompasses, beyond just the chronological age of the reader.
How long did it take you to write this book? The idea of writing a memoir about my adoption journey began percolating in the back of my mind the day I met my birth mother, back in 1995.
But it was only after I became a mom myself 15 years later, and experienced first-hand the sheer gravity of this role, that it became a priority to ‘birth my book baby.’ The actual research, writing, and assembling of all the puzzle pieces into an identifiable narrative arc, probably took around two years.
Although the end result is a work of fiction, Umbilicus started life as narrative non-fiction, and I wanted to get all my facts straight. The sociopolitical setting of the story, and details of the locations and historic events narrated by the protagonist in this book are all factually sound.
Why did you change this book from narrative non-fiction to fiction? Several key characters in the story wanted their names changed (for professional and personal reasons). And then, after analysing all the feedback and constructive criticism I received from industry professionals, about market trends and optimal shelf positioning for a book like mine, I made the executive decision to change the names of all the characters (except public personalities such as radio and club DJs), and repackage Umbilicus as a YA novel instead of a memoir.
What is the main theme of your book? Umbilicus is first and foremost about the search for identity. There is also a strong underlying theme of redemption.
What made the second person point-of-view (POV) your narrative mode of choice for this book? Umbilicus was actually written in the first person. Then, just before I submitted the completed manuscript to my first-choice imprint (more info on that below), I came across a letter written by Thuli Madonsela to her teenage self. It was from a book called From Me To Me, which is a collection of letters written by some of South Africa’s best loved personalities to their younger selves, and I was inspired to write my own, to include as a Prologue. Ultimately, I ditched the idea of a Prologue, but by now I had fallen in love with this compelling new ‘voice’ which had emerged on the page, and I ended up altering the entire manuscript accordingly.
What makes your book unique? Besides the somewhat unusual second person POV I eventually decided to use, Umbilicus is also distinct from other books I have come across in the global canon of adoption literature in that it incorporates all three voices in the triad – birth parents, adoptive parents, and the adoptee – in a single story, as well as professional insights from the social worker involved in our case.
Many of these unique perspectives are faithfully presented in epistolary format, which I believe connects the reader with each of the characters on a deeper level of intimacy, hopefully resulting in clarity and empathy. I am confident it is one of the most balanced books you will find anywhere on the subject of closed (private) adoption and its not uncommon effects on all members of the triad.
Umbilicus also includes quite a few South Africanisms, which lends it a uniquely local flavour. I seesawed between whether or not to include a glossary for non-South African readers, and ultimately decided against it. That’s what Google is for.
Why did you self-publish? I first tried going the traditional publishing route, but it didn’t work out. I don’t regret the experience one bit, as I learned an awful lot about the industry, and grew a much thicker skin during the process.
The first imprint I approached with my completed manuscript in March 2015 was very keen on publishing my story, but said I needed to make 1,000 pre-sales before their publisher – they who held the purse strings – would take a chance on me – a debut author, a virtual unknown. Inspired by Amanda Palmer’s Kickstarter crowdfunding prowess, I threw myself into my first Indiegogo crowdfunding campaign (Kickstarter wasn’t available to South Africans back then). On 4 June 2015, I was interviewed by Jenny Crwys-Williams and Redi Tlhabi during ‘The Book Show’ on 702 – the biggest talk radio station in South Africa – about Umbilicus and my Indiegogo campaign.
Unfortunately, the whole crowdfunding thing was a disaster. After reaching just 11% of my target by deadline (I was aiming for 1,000 funders, at a $5 donation each), I had to concede defeat. The fact that I had also managed to secure a blurb from fellow author and adoptee Jani Allan who had, by then, also read my full manuscript, wouldn’t sway the publisher. I simply wasn’t able to prove that my book would make the requisite number of sales to be profitable for them.
Undeterred, I spent the remainder of 2015 submitting to every narrative non-fiction trade publisher and imprint I could find locally, plus a few literary agents overseas. After about six months of querying and not getting any joy (there were exciting flashes of interest, but no firm offers), I was growing increasingly impatient and finally decided to call it a day. I figured I could spend the next year, two years, five years even, embroiled in the submission process, with absolutely no guarantee of ever securing a contract. Or, I could take the bull by the horns, stop the soul-destroying cycle with immediate effect, and self-publish instead.
It was a no-brainer. And I ended up using the money I had actually managed to raise from my Indiegogo campaign to cover almost all the costs of my first print run (200 units).
Who designed the book cover? It was conceptualised by me (using some broken knick-knacks from my craft cupboard, and table décor I nicked from someone’s wedding), then photographed by my husband, and designed by him (in CorelDRAW), with lots of creative direction from me. The tragic little figure represents the main character – the teenage me; a lost and broken soul – her heart torn between loyalty towards her forever family, and longing for her blood family, whom she doesn’t yet know. The silver cords connecting the two floating hearts to the central figure signify preordained spiritual links, and the subliminal triangle between the three hearts symbolises the adoption triad. For those of you who want to get your hands on your own little string doll, check out the Watchover Voodoo website. Unfortunately the ‘Hanging Man’ (who helped me ‘to destroy bad luck and start all over again’) is no longer available, but you are sure to find a doll that resonates with you and/or the stage you are at in your life journey.
How did you come up with the title Umbilicus? For me, my belly button was the last point of contact with my birth mother. Growing up I always felt a spiritual connection to her, and the word Umbilicus just fitted the ‘tie that binds’ thread of my work so perfectly. It came to me in one of those lightbulb moments, well into the writing of my manuscript. I quickly jumped onto Goodreads and Amazon to see if there were any other adoption-related books titled Umbilicus, and when I found nothing online, I knew it was THE ONE.
Have you taken any writing courses, and did you find them helpful? Yes, I’ve done about half a dozen creative writing courses over the past several years, to help me work through bottlenecks and hone my craft. I can categorically state that I would never be where I am today if it wasn’t for the tips and tricks I learned, and all the feedback and constructive criticism I received during these courses. Plus they are tonnes of fun, and I always walk away feeling richer for the experience. They are as much an investment in myself as an investment in my work. Highly recommended for all aspiring and established novelists and memoirists. On a side note, receiving a voucher for a writing course is probably every writer’s dream gift.
Can you recommend any writing software or resources? I typed most of the raw material into an MS Word document on my desktop PC, or the Notes section on my phone. Then when it came to sorting and structuring the work into scenes and chapters, and eventually a complete, coherent manuscript, I copied and pasted everything into the free and very user-friendly yWriter programme. [I had a chance to compare yWriter to a free demo version of Scrivener during NaNoWriMo 2015, and let’s just say the latter wasn’t for me; I will definitely be sticking with yWriter for all my future book projects.] Editsaurus and The Punctuation Guide were both invaluable tools during the line edit of my manuscript. And for everyday, ongoing writing inspiration and advice, I highly recommend KM Weiland’s Helping Writers Become Authors website, and Amanda Patterson’s Writers Write website. Both are absolute gold mines for anyone who is passionate about and dedicated to honing their craft.
What fonts did you choose for the paperback edition? Action of the Time New (title), Heavenetica4 (sub-title), Fluoxetine (author name and chapter titles), Adobe Garamond Pro (main text), Typist (for handwritten and typed letters in the text).
What’s next? I am working on Incomer, the sequel to Umbilicus.
Paula Gruben 